What are your personal beliefs?

I was raised as a Catholic. My family is supposed believe in this church, but other than the sacraments and the odd gratitude mass, they stay away from it.

I was very invested in the Catholic faith when I was a kid. My auntie, Dora, was a fervent believer and I spent a lot of time with her when I was a kid, because my parents were otherwise busy. She talked a lot about the apocalypse, or at least it seemed like that to me at the time. It used to scare me shitless and I lay on my bed awake at night thinking over and over again if I did something to deserve to go to hell and trying to understand things like "forever", "infinite", "endless" and "death".

One day, around the time I got my first period, between 10 and 11 years old, I understood death and I wanted to die. I understood that God wasn't there and if he or she was, they didn't care about us or, specifically, me. He couldn't give a shit about my suffering and I failed to see how I deserved the abuse.

Back then, I used to read a lot, even if I didn't have much to read. Eventually I read through metaphisics, Budhist stuff, later, when I was in my late teens and early adulthood I read on Wicca and Satanism. I read more on the Christian faiths and informed myself on Catholic church. I flirted with different beliefs and churches. I have wished at different moments of my life wholeheartedly to be able to believe and be part of a Cult.

It didn't happen, I couldn't begin to feel part of any faith. So I thought I was an atheist. I felt abandoned and alone in a universe where nothing is inconsequential.

Then I learned what being agnostic meant. I felt identified with it. I believe in a higher power, I just don't think it has human characteristics as other faiths will make you think. That "god", isn't caring nor cruel, it just is, and evil and good in the world is it, it isn't sentient but it pulls us towards stuff.