TFO (totally freaked out... fucked out... freaked....)

Few weeks ago I had a major I-think-I'm-pregnant freak out.

Please don't think I'm a stupid brat who won't use protection while fucking, because the freaking damn condom ripped and then I took the morning after pill... but still I panicked, fortunately, turns out I wasn't knocked up.

But the panic brought thoughts, panic thoughts, about raising children. Then I remembered a move I saw few weeks ago, with my love eddie furlong called jimmy and judy in which the guy likes to film stuff with his handycam everywhere he goes, eventually capturing his parents playing BDSM, father as a female submissive and mother as Dominant, and the guy says no wonder I turned out this way, this way meaning being a sick bastard. I started thinking no way I could be a parent no way, I'd be as screwy and sick as I am now, as I've been for years, no way I could be a parent if I wanna go to japan just to screw my brains out, if I wanna travel the world to slut out as much as I can.

This trail of thinking led to think I haven't nearly fucked as much as I'd like to, which is kinda fucked up since I AM in a relationship, and I am supposed to have a BF since little over two years ago...

I feel stripped out of my libido by my relationship I've been trying to re-light the sparkle but he just doesn't want to and I came to realize I miss my self, my old sickishly delicious sex-fiend self. I miss the fantasies and acting accordingly, he stripped me down of all this and my love for him is getting the hit, the angst seed is there, the resentment blurring my over all vision, I feel annoyed whenever we talk, I just don't know how I feel anymore, I don't know if I can get over the sense of loosing my self to other person, if I can forgive him for strangle that little bit of me, because believe me he did, and I hadn't realized what he was doing each time he wouldn't react to my advances, every time I was horny (ready and letting him know I was) and he was talking about the x-men as if I was some kind of wacko.

I used to feel so at home when I was with him... Now I feel lost and homeless again, alone.

I've been taking refugee in ARASHI and fanfic about them... just as a paliative so it won't hurt that much.
I wrote a fanfic about it the other day... in my head... If I get lucky I will write it down for real in here soon... but not now...
I'm going leaving my sad pathetic rant to rot in the net